Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Entry #1: Intro and Musings

NOMURA Note: This is the first part of the script, penned personally by me. This probably won't be the version that appears in the final game, so I decided to publish it here so the public could at least view it once in its original form.

***

A dark city -- everyone wears leather clothes and the government is corrupt -- rain falls -- thunder and lightning split the sky

Noctis walks out of a building carrying a paper bag filled with bread and juice -- opera music blares and builds to a crescendo -- everything is fucking epic -- Noctis starts walking down the street -- he stops at the corner when he sees a dog.


Noctis: Hey, dog, I've been seeing you here every time I get groceries. Do you have a home?

The dog stares at him -- the opera music builds and builds -- the dog stares at Noctis -- he doesn't move

Noctis: Do you want some bread?

Noctis fishes in his paper bag -- the music is unbearably loud and epic now -- everything is about to explode

Cut to a shot of Stella running down the street -- she is being chased by hooded figures


Hooded Figure 1: What is a life of darkness? How can one even call it life when there is no light?

Hooded Figure 2: How dost thou cope with a cruel world? And how dost thou get thine ass so tight? Goddamn, come here so I can scoop thine supple cheeks up.

Stella screams and cuts through an alley -- the corrupt government police officers don't help her -- she sees a boy with a giant key but pushes him aside believing him to be another rapist -- she sees the end of the alley

Cut to Noctis who has a piece of bread in his hand and is about to feed it to the dog -- the opera music has hit a peak and is sustaining one note for epic maximum tension and drama


Noctis: Here you go, doggie.

The dog eats the bed as a chaotic crash of instruments comes down from the sustained note -- gunshots are heard and the music breaks into the game's theme song -- "I Luv It" by Young Jeezy

Stella explodes out of the alley and trips -- she sprawls out across the street -- she has ended up at the street corner where Noctis is feeding the dog -- he sees her


Noctis: Stella? What are you doing here?

The Hooded Figures also explode out of the alley -- they make their way towards Stella -- Noctis jumps into action and the game's tutorial battle begins




TUTORIAL BATTLE - ACTION ENERGY FREE-TIME FOUR-DIMENSIONAL BATTLE FLOW SYSTEM


(AEFTFDBFS)


Tutorial Message: Welcome to your first battle in Final Fantasy Versus XIII! You will be having many battles, so it is best to familiarize yourself with the system. First, a list of the controls for battle:


BATTLE CONTROLS

1. Left Analog Stick - Move Left Leg
2. Right Analog Stick - Move Right Leg
3. X Button - Jump
4. O Button - Angst
5. Square Button - Insult
6. Triangle Button - Read Enemy's Diary
7. L1 Button - Update Twitter on iMac
8. L2 Button - Angst
9. R1 Button - Quote Shakespeare
10. R2 Button - Relate Shakespeare to themes of Light, Darkness, Fate, Friendship, and Death
11. D-Pad Left/Right/Up/Down - Move eyeballs
12. L3 Button - Tap dance with left leg
13. R3 Button - Tap dance with right leg
14. Start Button - Anti-Pause/Speed up game
15. Select Button - Get to the Chopper


Tutorial Message: Because it is a radical reinvention of the series, Final Fantasy Versus XIII does not feature typical RPG staples like HP, magic, leveling, items, or armed combat. Instead, Final Fantasy Versus XIII features the new EMOTION BREAK system.


Tutorial Message (cont'd): Let's demonstrate how you will be using the EMOTION BREAK system to defeat enemies in combat.


Step 1: When the battle begins, use the L3 and R3 buttons in conjunction with timed analog stick movements to perform a tap dance routine.

Step 2: The enemy should become distracted by your dancing and try to mimic it. While it does this, press the TRIANGLE button to steal and read the enemy's diary. You can only steal the diary of an enemy who has either been distracted by dancing or made vulnerable by angsting. Thus, another strategy is to press the CIRCLE button to angst.

Step 3: Read the diary. This will power up your "Insult" ability. Once it is done, press the SQUARE button to use your newfound knowledge of the enemy's insecurities and crushes on certain pre-pubescent male singers to BREAK his EMOTION, which is signified by a heart icon. When the heart splits completely in two, you win the battle.

Tutorial Message: This the basic strategy, but bear in mind that enemies will do everything possible to protect their diaries. In certain cases they might not be distracted by your dancing, in which case you will have to do radical things such as Quote Shakespeare and discuss Light and Dark.

Tutorial Message (cont'd): From here on out, the battle is up to you! Good luck on figuring out the system, because we sure as hell don't know what to do with it.
Noctis defeats the enemies -- they explode into a million pieces and he stands badass over them -- Stella is on the ground and he helps her up

Noctis: Hey, you alright?

Stella: Yeah, thanks, Noctis.

Noctis: Who were those men chasing you?

Stella: Oh, them? I don't know. They said they were messengers, here to taint the kingdom of light with darkness.

Noctis gasps and staggers backwards -- he falls to his knees and hands in shock -- the music is very tense and has latin choir singing in it -- lightning flashes in the sky -- thunder cracks -- Noctis struggles to speak

Noctis: Wi...with darkness...? Our kingdom is done for...

The dog finishes eating his bread and walks off -- he wags his tail and the happy mood coming from him is meant to be a juxtaposition of the extreme seriousness and darkness of Noctis' story

***

9 comments:

  1. Just remember that I could have made this in FFXIII if I didn't have to spend 30 fucking years making Crystal Tools. My engine is powering your shitty little game.

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  2. Shit! This is gonna be fucking deep...

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  3. Awesome this is the funniest shit on the internet.
    You should post it somewhere else as well because its a tragedy that not many people get to see this.

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  4. First reading that the triangle button read the enemy's diary was a great moment in my life.

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  5. Left me breathless with tears

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  6. I almost had a heart attack from laughing so much

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  7. my roommate's giving me a weird look because i'm laughing so hard right now.... epic!

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